You Know What Forget I Said Anything

By: Toni Hoy

Updated October 07, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Elizabeth Strong

Sometimes we slip up and say or do something that we wish could be forgotten. We immediately regret it and want to take it back, but the damage is done. For what seems like ages, we agonize over what happened and try to do anything we can to fix it or make them forget it.

Although you can't entirely erase a person's memory, you may be able to distract them from the event and interfere with their ability to hold on to that memory, preventing it from becoming an issue. Trying to distract someone or get in the way of retaining the memory will not completely remove bad memories, but could help you and the person you hurt or offended move forward.

People tend to hold on to hurtful or negative memories more tightly than pleasant ones. It's unfortunate, but it is our way of avoiding being hurt again in the future. Whether you want someone to forget a negative or positive event, you can use these tips for how to give someone a gentle nudge on the path to forgetting.

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How To Make Someone Forget Something Positive

While you may not necessarily feel that you have done something wrong, you may still have your reasons for wanting to make someone forget something you did or said. You may want to make someone forget about an exciting event that is coming up. Perhaps you have a surprise for them, and you want to make them stop thinking about the special day.

One of the most effective things to do is clear away any visual reminders of the event. Don't write it on a shared calendar, and put away objects that are related to the occasion.

The other person may still be thinking about the upcoming date, depending on how excited they are. If they bring it up to you, you will need to switch topics without making it obvious that you are avoiding the subject. Here are some tips:

• Excuse yourself to go to the restroom or take a break. When you come back, ask a question about a new topic. It makes it easier to subtly change the subject when the conversation has been paused than to do so in the middle of talking.
• Bring others into the conversation if you're in a group or in a public place. The more people taking part in a conversation, the more likely it is to veer off topic.
• Make your new topic sound related. Pick a small detail from the other person's statement or question and tie it into a different story or point.
• Move. Pick up your stuff and move to a different space, inviting the person to come along. Often, new surroundings can distract from what was being discussed previously, opening the door for you to talk about something else. This does not have to be too awkward; you can simply say, "I'm so sorry! I'm underneath a vent and I am cold. Do you mind if we move?" This can be an effective and simple way to stop thinking about a particular topic.
• Be honest. Sometimes all of the tactics described above will fail and you will be unable to dodge a discussion about the upcoming event. If this is the case, ask the person, politely, if you can talk about something else. Explain that you are excited by how excited they are, but that you want to keep the specifics to yourself so that they can continue to enjoy the anticipation as well as the surprise that will come when the day arrives.

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How To Make Someone Forget Something Negative

Just like making someone forget a positive event, making them forget a negative one is also about distraction. The best thing you can do is to attempt to make the unpleasant memory less prominent in their mind by changing the focus to more pleasant topics. For instance, if you hurt someone's feelings, you can make an extra effort to do something nice for them to get them thinking less of the negative memory of you. Although this is not necessarily the best strategy to remedy the issue, it can help ease some of the pain associated with the painful memory you left behind.

The longer you replace that negative memory with more and more positive ones, the more the bad memory should fade. You can use these tips to help the hurtful memory fade from the other person's mind:

• As with erasing positive memories, you can facilitate the forgetting of a bad memory by removing objects that trigger the topic. People remember things that have had a powerful impact on them, positive or negative. Replace negative with positive, and you could have the opposite effect.
• Remind the person of a pleasant part of the bad memory. Perhaps if you analyze the situation together, it isn't all that bad. You may be able to get them to associate the memory with something positive. If, for instance, you got into a huge fight and wound up calling your friend an insulting name, recall why you were spending time together in the first place, perhaps celebrating a birthday, or showing one another support.
• After you distract from the negative memory, start building new positive memories. This is one of the most effective ways to manage bad memories long-term; rather than simply trying to erase the past, focus on moving past the negativity and creating something new and exciting together.

Sometimes, the person may not be able to forget. They may hang onto what you said or did (or didn't do), and you fear that you'll never move past it and get your friendship or relationship back on track. If you find that this is the case, here are a few more tips to help you amend the situation:

• Apologize. This is the most simple and yet the most effective way to get someone to forget something negative. Tell him or her how sincerely sorry you are for what happened and that you want to make it right and get back to how things were between you before the incident occurred. If you are genuinely sorry, he or she will be able to feel that and hopefully understand that people make mistakes and that you didn't intend to hurt him or her.
• Explain yourself. Let the individual know what your intentions were behind what you said or did. If you truly didn't mean to hurt him or her, it should be apparent. And if you explain this and he or she doesn't come around, it might be time to let it go for a bit.
• Drop it (for now). If he or she is still angry after you've tried all of the above, take a break from trying to make it right and give him or her some space. It might not be the right time to discuss it and doing so could fracture your relationship even more. Some people just need a breather to reflect and process things and can make a more informed decision once they've had time to cool off.

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There are many reasons why we might want someone to forget something we have said or done. And since it's not possible to control someone's mind, it can be worrisome that they may not forget so easily. People tend to hold onto things they are excited about, as well as things that affect them negatively. Hopefully, some of these ideas will help you to do some damage control and keep your relationship moving forward in a healthy direction.

If this isn't the case, it could be time to ask someone for help—someone impartial, who can offer you a different perspective regarding what is going on or provide some fresh ideas as to how to keep communication alive, and salvage relationships beset by trouble and resentment. As difficult as it may be to admit, being the source of extremely positive feelings and extremely negative feelings can have a lasting impact, even if you did not intend to do so. The good news is that you can get help, learn to forgive yourself, and rebuild your relationship with the other person by talking to a professional therapist. Online therapy is a great way to work on your interpersonal relationships. With the help of a therapist, you may learn to let go of past hurts, forgive others, and forgive yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Can you erase a memory?

Not exactly. There are many things you can do—medically reviewed and substantiated things—to improve emotional reactions and ties to memories. Far from suppressing memories, these methods intend to improve emotional responses to memories, and thereby ease some of the pain, fear, and anxiety surrounding them. Behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and other forms of trauma and cognitive therapy can help ease some of the negative experiences associated with long-term memory banks teeming with trauma, pain, and anxiety, which may be just as good as erasing a memory.

How do you get rid of a bad memory?

If you've held onto a bad memory for a long time, life can feel helpless. Whether the memory in question is simply unpleasant, or is a manifestation of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), there are numerous medically reviewed and approved ways to work through bad memories, and improve general health (both in the short-term and long-term outlooks). Although an article online cannot provide medical advice, mental health professionals can, and many mental health professionals support and encourage the use of exposure therapy as a method of improving symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

How do you help someone forget bad memories?

There are no medically reviewed and supported ways to help someone forget bad memories; instead, the medical response to conditions such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) centers around therapy designed to improve coping skills, work through existing traumatic memories, and learn how to integrate traumatic memories into your own existing memory banks. Traumatic memories can interrupt the natural process of encoding memories, and can make trauma stand out and cause overwhelming symptoms, such as hypervigilance or hyperarousal, intrusive thoughts, and mental or behavioral changes. Exposure therapy is just one medically reviewed trauma therapy used to improve symptoms of PTSD and other mental illnesses and disorders borne of trauma.

Although therapy cannot help someone forget bad memories, it can do a lot to help people live with the memories they have, while easing symptoms PTSD, anxiety, and depression. If you forgot unwanted memories, you would still have residual feelings and experiences in their absence; the purpose and goal of healing is not to forget the memories, but to learn how to live with and work through the emotional upset, fear, and overwhelm they bring.

How can I forget something quickly?

While you cannot forget something quickly (though most people do forget things slowly, over time), you can take steps to manage your memories and the sensations they bring with them. From your doctor's advice to Healthline media articles, to related articles on mental health and general wellness, the consensus is clear: forgetting is not the same as healing, and the path to healing involves sorting through symptoms, causes, and reactions, and finding healthy ways to cope with the cards that have been dealt.

It may be tempting to try to forget experiences, whether they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things—mispronouncing a word in a business meeting, for instance—or enormous, no matter the scope of things—suffering abuse from a loved one, perhaps—but mental trauma has a function, and it lets you know what in your brain continues to stand out, and what continues to cause suffering, pain, and distortion. Forgetting the memory cannot bring healing, but learning how to cope with the consequences of the memory can.

How do you forget something that is bothering you?

While intentionally forgetting bad memories or unpleasant conversations might seem like a superb skill to have, there is not a medically reviewed, psychologically acknowledged means of doing so. Although one study suggested that actively trying to push away the minutiae of the memory (the smells around you at that moment, for instance, or the sounds accompanying the memory) was effective in erasing words the study participants had just been exposed to, this did not identify whether or not emotionally-charged memories were just as easily forgotten—a distinction that could matter a great deal in determining how easy something actually is to forget.

Although you may not be able to effectively forget a bad memory on purpose, there are plenty of things you can do to ease anxiety (medically reviewed and supported methods, mind) associated with a particular memory, and there are numerous ways to redirect your focus, in favor of something more logical, productive, or pleasant. These methods will not effectively remove memories, but they may help you stop thinking about it or obsessing over it.

The first method to try to "forget" something that is bothering you is distraction. If you were recently turned down by a romantic interest and you cannot seem to stop thinking about the moment they said "no," try distracting yourself with something else. Think about the time a romantic interest said "yes," or think about the first animal you had growing up, and hold tightly to the feeling of joy you felt in those moments. This can help ease some of the pain of the new memory.

If that doesn't work, you can actually allow your brain to wander directly into the memory you are struggling to avoid; although it may seem counterintuitive, it can actually make your brain focus more on a memory if you are actively trying to banish it. Letting the memory come to mind, and breathing deeply and letting yourself feel sad, embarrassed, horrified, or stressed while you breathe and ground yourself using your five senses can help essentially integrate the memory, so it is no longer sticking out like a sore thumb, and continually leaping to the front of your mind. This is a form of exposure therapy, but can be helpful in alleviating some of the more intense symptoms of recalling bad memories.

How can I forget my past trauma?

While it may be tempting to forget traumatic memories—or even just bad memories—there are no legitimately, medically reviewed methods to effectively purge negative or traumatic memories from an individual's mind. That is not to say there is no hope for people with PTSD, or people who have experienced other types of traumatic situations or who harbor other types of traumatic memories. Rather than forgetting traumatic memories, the goal in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) treatment and other trauma treatment programs is to work though the source of the trauma, soothe the trauma response, and create healthier ways of coping while healing existing trauma. This can be done in a myriad of ways, ranging from exposure therapy, to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), both medically reviewed and useful forms of treatment.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and corresponding traumatic memories can take a powerful toll on an individual's life, and the desire to simply erase those memories is legitimately strong. However, because there is no real way to simply erase memories and the associated trauma, the only way to work through PTSD is to train your brain to heal itself, potentially using medication and other therapeutic interventions along the way, while actively working to address the source of trauma and implementing healthier, more consistent coping skills.

Working with a therapist who is well-versed in trauma therapy, or who has worked with a specific situation before (complex PTSD, for instance, or spousal abuse) can help ease some of the fears associated with working through trauma, as these individuals may have a track record you are able to look over, in order to see that others have found help and healed (or at least effectively managed) the symptoms and side effects of having experienced or having been exposed to trauma.

How can I clear my mind of unwanted thoughts?

Clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts has something of an unconventional journey. Rather than focusing your attention and energy on getting rid of unwanted thoughts (which can make them far more persistent), many people encourage you to actually allow your thoughts to come along unimpeded, and allow yourself to feel the sensations they create, without fear, judgment, or the immediate urge to "fix" the problem. Doing so in a safe, controlled environment can help you realize that the thoughts cannot actually do you any harm; they are only thoughts. Whether you read an article on mindfulness from Healthline media to help you on your way, or you learn how to ground yourself with mindfulness techniques with a mental health professional, learning how to recognize your thoughts for what they are is a vital skill in clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts. When you no longer fight the thoughts and resist them, you realize that they do not control you, and you have the ability to move on.

Of course, there are some factors that can prohibit this. Mental disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder might make simply allowing thoughts to come and go difficult (or it may even feel impossible), and may require more substantial intervention. If thoughts persistently overwhelm and overtake you, clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts may be on the other side of targeted mental health intervention and treatment.

Can doctors erase your memory?

Although it would likely garner a great deal of attention and acclaim, apart from performing ill-advised and illegal surgery, doctors are not equipped with protocols designed to erase memory. Made popular by movies such as "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," the notion of being able to erase bad memories, or get rid of unwanted memories holds a lot of interest for people; after all, memories can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a single bad experience can come back to haunt you for years. Nevertheless, it is not possible to simply remove a painful memory, or traumatic event.

That being said, there are instances in which the brain is guilty of suppressing memories. People with PTSD, for instance, might have essentially blocked out painful memories or memories of trauma, but this is a protective mechanism, and is not a willful occurrence. Pot Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a legitimate mental disorder, medically reviewed and recognized. Rather than erasing a painful memory, people with PTSD experience generalized memory loss, and may find themselves not only unable to recall traumatic memories (or recall them in only small, erratic bits and pieces), but also unable to recall unrelated memories. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can even cause difficulty with new memories, as the brain's processing faculties are not functioning properly, and fragmenting memories, bringing painful memories to the fore without warning.

You Know What Forget I Said Anything

Source: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-make-someone-forget-something-instantly/

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